By now you might have seen this picture of a worn-out
cougar flicking off a Chicago Bull as he headed for the showers. If you’re picturing her as some Jersey Shore trash, pink-hat, Lebron James
superfan…you have no idea. Phyllis Tobias is just your average Desperate Housewife. Who needs television writers when a journalist can uncover an absurd back-story that includes a possible homicide?
She was just pointing to her most valuable asset, her mouth
Yeah, can you believe that this season ticket holder was
accused of murdering her husband? Would you
believe it more if those accusations were substantiated by her 300 pound
psychic that she had constant contact with, but never met?
That’s a piece from The New York Magazine published in 2008, warning: It is
very long. I’ll give you some of my
favorite highlights, because you have more important things to do than read
another article on the internet.
I couldn't stop reading, as each bizarre
accusation and twist, was really the next logical step. The too-weird-to-be-fiction tale chronicles the
events leading up to and following Phyllis Tobias possibly murdering her hedge
fund millionaire husband. I say possibly
because there’s a chance no one even remembers the truth with this shit-storm of
characters surrounding Seth Tobias; a hard drinking, coke snorting, hedge-funding,
regular guy from outside of Philly. He was just a Boston University grad that kicked around Wall Street for a while before
catching a break and working with Jim Cramer. This was Cramer pre-Mad Money fame. But Tobias didn't want a show, he wanted
a lifestyle. At one point, his company was worth half a Billion dollars.
Some stories about this guy make me think he watched Wall Street way too
many times growing up. His daily routine
may have been too intense for the real life Charlie Sheen. Spending his days making high risk financial
decisions and piles of money, his evenings putting drugs up his nose and possibly having sex
with a male exotic dancer named Tiger (aptly named because he has tiger stripes tattooed
onto his body). Tiger was also reached for comment at his parent’s house; I’m glad
they endorse their son's life choices.
Seriously, forget what I said earlier; read the whole article. Phyllis Tobias’s lawyer is one (of her now
four) ex-husbands. Yup. When I first saw the picture of that bleached
out, catcher’s mitt of a woman, my mind conjured up some crazy back story. A normally perverse imagination couldn't match what these people are saying is the truth.
I’m definitely jealous of Stephen Rodrick and
how he got to take some tabloid quality story and turn it into an entertaining piece of writing. I'd love to be a professional writer, I just wrote 500 words about someone else's article, for fun. I hope that there's a future in journalism as print gets killed off by The "Meme Generation" (a term that I will claim to have come up with). Even my beloved Reddit, which once provided hours of interesting articles and websites, has become an image board of tween issues, dumbasses admitting the depths of their stupidity, and a fucking duck that gives advice. Many people only take time to read something if the words are superimposed over a grumpy looking cat (he does look hilariously upset).
Look! I'm creative! I'm an artist! LIKE ME!
I believe there a lot of folks that still yearn for context and substance, who appreciate well-executed diction and strong rhetoric that can paint a more complete picture. I also think that you have some crazy stories that are a glass of whiskey and a thesaurus away from being pretty entertaining. Let me hear about how weird your world is and keep coming back. Maybe you don't have the next Tobias Saga, but that's not a bad thing.
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