The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It’s finally here, football season.  When the numbers I fantasize about go from 36-24-36 to 32-340-4.  When women sigh at losing their man on Sundays but secretly are relieved that leg shaving season is coming to a close.  When moving on to the next game after a loss isn't 7 months away.  FUCK.  YEAH.  Since lists are trendy I’m going to fall in with the crowd, with a football twist.  Four predictions coinciding with common down and distance.

1^st and 10 – Perfect time to make a vanilla call.

            The New England Patriots will run away with the AFC East.  It’s probably the softest division in the league.  Besides Tom, two rookies and Tannehil are starting under center.  While the Jets didn't make the same mistake of moving up to reach on a franchise guy (a la Sanchez), they haven’t done themselves any favors by forcing Geno Smith into a starting role for a team in turmoil.  Compounded by being in the New York media market, this season is going to be as awkward as Rex Ryan’s foot fetish video.  EJ Manuel might be settling into a more comfortable situation but that’s only because he has some good, physical running backs behind him.  What he has in front of him is a shaky offensive line and a downfield threat at receiver whose speed and personality are best described as streaky.  The Dolphins made some sexy draft picks and signings in free agency, but the losses of Reggie Bush, Jake Long, Dustin Keller, Sean Smith, and Brandon Marshall’s multiple personalities mean they aren't going to be any better and most probably will be worse.  Belichick and Brady.  That right there is good for an average of 12 wins a season.  Their strength of schedule is middle of the pack even though they are playing against a bunch of good teams.  But they went 16-0 against the 3^rd most difficult schedule in 2007, so I don’t think that stat matters too much.

2^nd and short – Take a shot a homerun.

            Second year starters are going to have a down year.  I would say sophomore slumps, but Kaepernick is actually in his third year.  As opposing teams get more film on these young guns, they will be able to exploit the areas that they are still developing.  While the 49er's are still going to be a good team, I expect their QB has the largest drop off, at least as a passer.  Kaepernick was electric when he ran and didn't get nicked up.  He also didn't start until week 10.  Watching tape, I noticed that he doesn't get deep into his progressions before taking off and he has poor mechanics.  As defenses figure out how to combat the zone-read and add a QB spy in the second level, he will struggle.  I’m so sick of RG3 (thanks ESPN) that all I’ll say is this: his success is dependent on how the Redskins employ his skill set while protecting him from injury more than the actual recovery from knee reconstruction.  Russell Wilson looked like a better passer than the previous two guys mentioned while also scrambling successfully.  A strong defense, physical offense, and the 12^th man in Seattle will help him.  But their pass catchers are mostly outside/vertical guys.  With the way the league is shifting, QB’s (especially young developing ones) really benefit from a talented tight end or underneath/middle of the field guy to keep the chains moving, especially on third down.  Will Andrew’s Luck run out?  There was a lot of talk about Luck’s 4^th quarter heroics and his poise was likely due to him spending an extra year at Stanford to mature instead of coming out after his sophomore season.  But the Colts were 9-1 in one possession games against the easiest schedule in the league.  These two things are not likely to repeat themselves.  Since the Manning Era ended in Indy they have managed to quickly rebuild the team, but their running game is questionable and Reggie Wayne is the only proven pass catcher.  I think Luck fares the best out of this group but I don’t see him having as much 4^th quarter magic.

3^rd and Long – Time to chuck the ball and hope something special happens.

            Drew Brees sets more passing records while leading the Saints on a deep playoff run.  Last year New Orleans’s offense was as good as their defense was bad.  The Bounty Scandal (adding ‘gate’ to a word is another thing ESPN has ruined) clearly had a negative effect.  Sean Payton is one of the better coaches in the league and his return will offset the loss of personnel to a historically bad defensive unit.  The Saints being a contender this year doesn't seem like a gamble, but the NFC South might be the best division in the league (I think the NFC West is over-rated, as per my previous prediction).  The Panthers are likely to finish last, and since they play the AFC East, they might be last with an 8-8 record.  Yup, now my prediction is getting wacky, but in 2010 the Seahawks made the playoffs with a losing record. Shit happens.

4^th and anything – You’ll look like a genius if you convert or an idiot if don't.

            The New England Patriots will win the Super Bowl, by looking like the teams from 2001-2004.  Call this a lazy pick from a fan, but fuck you, this is my blog.  The talking heads are all saying that the receiving core got decimated and has injury issues.  Maybe, but JC in Cleats won three rings with undersized wide receivers and less talented tight ends.  Their run game has been pretty consistent as of late and made them a balanced team when they seem like a throw-first offense.  While the defense is nowhere near the squad they had in the early 2000’s, they are maturing and have a lot of talent.  Fact is, I just wanted to finish this article so I can watch pre-game coverage of tonight’s game.  

Social Media: So you can pretend to care!

I've been an outspoken critic of all the anger directed at Rolling Stone Magazine the past few days, and received a few angry responses because of it.  Well, how about a forgotten tool: context.  For about a week I didn't know that my family was affected.  Then I learned that my uncle works with, and is friends with Martin Richard's father.  How close are they?  He was standing near the finish line between the blasts with his family.  My cousins have been afflicted with PTSD because they were part of the carnage.  So anyone that thinks I'm being insensitive because it hasn't touched my life, go fuck yourself.

With that said, let's move on to the issue at hand, a magazine cover.  Rolling Stone contributor Janet Reitman set out to write an article about Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and the events leading up to bombing to give some context to a person who has been the subject of immense speculation.  This boy was a typical immigrant resident of Cambridge, as typical as you can be in one of the most diverse cities in the country.  I read the 11,000 word article and came away with almost the same feeling I did when I started, uncertainty.  Reitman doesn't romanticize him or appeal for pity.  She sifted through everything that was said about him during the 24/7 news cycle following the bombing and got access to his friends (which were given pseudonyms, because even being associated with Tsarnaev will garner hatred).  And still questions remain about who this boy is, because who he was no longer is important.

Apparently, Boston's mayor was advised to release a statement regarding the magazine cover that spread like wildfire through social media.  People were quick to like and share it on Facebook to raise awareness about the evil thing Rolling Stone was doing.  Except that he incorrectly states "though we can't know because almost all you released is the cover."  That's blatantly false.  Rolling Stone has the entire article available, for free, on their website.  But once people saw that Menino had issued a statement admonishing the publication they clicked a link instead of reading it, just like when they saw the picture of Tsarnaev and got upset without reading a FREE article.  More than 140 characters? Ain't nobody got time for that!

Maybe they could have chosen a less sexy image of this accused terrorist.  Maybe they could have done a tribute to the victims instead.  Maybe you should ask Bill Richard what he thinks.  Wait, don't.  The one bit of information my uncle offered regarding the situation is that the 8-year old's father doesn't want you to talk to him about it.  Every mention of his child is a twist of the knife, salt in a gaping wound that will likely never heal.  What do you think putting a picture of his boy on a publication that has a paid circulation of about 1.5 million would be like?  Think about it.

But that's my point, stop and think about it.  Read, listen, consume, then stop, shut the fuck up, and think.  We are exposed to so much media and information that we rarely allow ourselves to process it.  Thus removing its value.  As our access to information grows at an exponential rate its worth is vanishing just as fast.  My hope is that you read this post and it elicited emotions.  Read it again, and see if you feel the same way.  Talk with someone about it.  I don't care if that conversation begins with "did you read that asshole's blog post, what a piece of shit."  As long as you attempt to gather as much context as you can and approach it in a calm analytic manner.  Otherwise you're acting on raw, unbridled emotion.  Which is the most effective tool of terrorism.

Because the Bruins lost, let's talk Sox

We are 67 games into the Red Sox’s season; that’s a good arbitrary number for a midseason look.  After last season’s collapse, the pink hats got tossed in the closet and the die-hards relapsed to pre-2004 depression.  But I was actually looking forward to the 2013 season.  The massive salary/roster dump they pulled off with the Dodgers was a great addition by subtraction move for the clubhouse.  Also, hiring former pitching coach John Farrell—to get past the atrocity that was Bobby Valentine—seemed like the best way to get their rotation back on track (which derailed around the time Farrell left to manage the Blue Jays).

"I made $4 million to get a tan and ride my bike, how wasn't 2012 a success?"

My friends and I speculated on how the AL East would turn out.  The general feeling was the Orioles and Blue Jays appeared poised to become the new powerhouses in the division with their pitching/young talent and accumulation of big free agents, respectively.  Joe Maddon would get the most out of Tampa’s roster playing small ball.  The Yankees were too old and broken down to be dangerous.  And lastly, the Red Sox were stuck in rebuilding mode and they would suck.

Ortiz will do what he wants.

Those weren't my predictions.  I figured that Toronto’s talent level wouldn’t matter because they were perennial losers.  Baltimore’s backend pitching was good, but what they did last year was a little fluky.  Tampa Bay...THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!  They've been a smallball team since Maddon became their skipper.  New York has a tradition of winning, and though I feel like it’s a copout reason, they have talent and know how to win…they just do.  And finally, with Farrell returning, Boston’s rotation would improve drastically and they would be a good, balanced team.  Bold prediction for the division that I am still standing by: No team wins more than 90 games.

Do people even know who this is?

At this point, I’m pretty spot on.  I didn’t think they would have the best offense in the league; they have 24 more runs than the second place team at this point.  More surprising is that Jose Iglesias (a Mendoza Line hitter in the minors) is batting .449 with an OBP of .494 in 24 games.  Keep this kid in the lineup, please.

So what if he doesn't hit the ball out of the infield? He gets on base.

Also surprising is while Buchholz/Lester have looked great and the rest of the starters seem to be pitching well (even Lackey is delivering Quality Starts) they are 13^th in runs allowed.  The team is 9-6 in 1-run games and 4-1 when playing extra frames.  But their bullpen is the obvious weak point.  They don’t have a guy that makes it an 8 inning game like Papelbon used to.  It feels like they have a bunch of 8^th inning guys who have good stuff, but not the killer instinct of a true closer.

His performance to bullshit ratio was right inline with Manny.

I’m sticking with my predictions, with the addendum Boston, Baltimore, Tampa, and NY all win between 85-90 games. Boston wins the division with Tampa and Baltimore getting wildcard spots.

Think I’m wrong? Let me know.

Later this week: Bruins/NHL Finals, Heat v Spurs/Why I hate LBJ

Just your average Miami Heat fan

By now you might have seen this picture of a worn-out cougar flicking off a Chicago Bull as he headed for the showers.  If you’re picturing her as some Jersey Shore trash, pink-hat, Lebron James superfan…you have no idea.  Phyllis Tobias is just your average Desperate Housewife.  Who needs television writers when a journalist can uncover an absurd back-story that includes a possible homicide? 

She was just pointing to her most valuable asset, her mouth

Yeah, can you believe that this season ticket holder was accused of murdering her husband?  Would you believe it more if those accusations were substantiated by her 300 pound psychic that she had constant contact with, but never met?

http://nymag.com/news/features/43914/

That’s a piece from The New York Magazine published in 2008, warning: It is very long.  I’ll give you some of my favorite highlights, because you have more important things to do than read another article on the internet. 

I couldn't stop reading, as each bizarre accusation and twist, was really the next logical step.  The too-weird-to-be-fiction tale chronicles the events leading up to and following Phyllis Tobias possibly murdering her hedge fund millionaire husband.  I say possibly because there’s a chance no one even remembers the truth with this shit-storm of characters surrounding Seth Tobias; a hard drinking, coke snorting, hedge-funding, regular guy from outside of Philly.  He was just a Boston University grad that kicked around Wall Street for a while before catching a break and working with Jim Cramer.  This was Cramer pre-Mad Money fame.  But Tobias didn't want a show, he wanted a lifestyle.  At one point, his company was worth half a Billion dollars.  Some stories about this guy make me think he watched Wall Street way too many times growing up.  His daily routine may have been too intense for the real life Charlie Sheen.  Spending his days making high risk financial decisions and piles of money, his evenings putting drugs up his nose and possibly having sex with a male exotic dancer named Tiger (aptly named because he has tiger stripes tattooed onto his body).  Tiger was also reached for comment at his parent’s house; I’m glad they endorse their son's life choices.

Seriously, forget what I said earlier; read the whole article.  Phyllis Tobias’s lawyer is one (of her now four) ex-husbands.  Yup.  When I first saw the picture of that bleached out, catcher’s mitt of a woman, my mind conjured up some crazy back story.  A normally perverse imagination couldn't match what these people are saying is the truth.

I’m definitely jealous of Stephen Rodrick and how he got to take some tabloid quality story and turn it into an entertaining piece of writing.  I'd love to be a professional writer, I just wrote 500 words about someone else's article, for fun.  I hope that there's a future in journalism as print gets killed off by The "Meme Generation" (a term that I will claim to have come up with).  Even my beloved Reddit, which once provided hours of interesting articles and websites, has become an image board of tween issues, dumbasses admitting the depths of their stupidity, and a fucking duck that gives advice.  Many people only take time to read something if the words are superimposed over a grumpy looking cat (he does look hilariously upset).

Look! I'm creative! I'm an artist! LIKE ME!

I believe there a lot of folks that still yearn for context and substance, who appreciate well-executed diction and strong rhetoric that can paint a more complete picture.  I also think that you have some crazy stories that are a glass of whiskey and a thesaurus away from being pretty entertaining.  Let me hear about how weird your world is and keep coming back.  Maybe you don't have the next Tobias Saga, but that's not a bad thing.

All great journeys start with one simple stride, except in the modern day. Now, some of them start with a keystroke.

Because I have too much free time and have had a bunch of people tell me I should, I’m going to start blogging.  I hate that term, blog, but the weight of words is only what we give them.  I’ll refer to myself as an essayist to sound more refined but in reality I am aware that I’m a guy at a keyboard, not Ralph Waldo Emerson.

I’m one of those people who can’t turn off their thoughts without the aid of drugs and alcohol.  Since I’m getting older, that happens less frequently and with bigger hangovers.  So I figured, why not share with the internet a glimpse of what’s running through my head?  Some entries may be long, wordy diatribes about the trivial stuff in life.  They might be concise, poignant responses to a social phenomenon.  Or maybe just a picture of a cat.  Okay, probably not that last one, but I don’t want to pigeonhole myself into a single format.  I’m going to kick off this endeavor with a fake question and answer post because talking to yourself is normal, right?

“Foley, the web is full of lunatics spouting off about the mundane things that happen to them.  How is yours going to be any better?”

It probably won’t, but I can use the word fuck pretty eloquently.  So there’s a chance it could be entertaining.

“To call you brash might be an understatement, sometimes you are downright offensive.  Aren't you worried you will offend people?”

I thought that was what the internet was for?  If I offend you…good.  It means you have a pulse.

“What’s your focus?  Are your posts going to have a theme or underlying message?”

Read the URL, the focus is me and the world around me.

“That’s a little egocentric, isn't it?”

That’s a lot egocentric.  But I like to think it’s a better outlet than posting a million selfies up on social media.

“So this is going to be a masturbatory exercise in writing about yourself?”

Well…yeah.  We live in a world where twitter, instagram, and facebook have become a constant exercise of self-love.  This way my thoughts aren't arrested to 140 characters, a 612x612 image, or fishing for likes.  While I will tend to be the center of my writing, because I won’t pretend to know what it is to be someone else, it will be more about the world and how I see it.  I have a bias and my hope isn't to change your mind, it is to get you thinking.

 “I have some good ideas for things you can write about, should I let you know?”

YES!  Nothing is off limits.  Except Terry Schiavo, that’s a dead topic.  If you are a little shy or think that your topic is embarrassing, send me a private message.  I won’t use your name if you spill the beans about your experimentation with anal play.  But I bet you aren't the only person wondering: is one finger enough?  People go through such a wide variety of experiences, you can bet the obscure situations you find yourself in, aren't unique to you, and that’s a good thing.  So I really, truly want to hear your suggestions because I’m a student of people and the world. (But mostly it can be tough to come up with material)

“What if I notice you used a comma when you should have used a semi-colon?”

Eat shit; I’m the ee cummings of blogging.

I hope you get a sense of what I’m going for: a slightly narcissistic Bill Simmons, whose articles don’t drag on like SNL sketches.  If you don’t get a reference or a name, just fucking Google it and learn something new.  Eventually I’ll learn how turn words into links, insert pictures, and add footnotes, but I’d rather know someone is reading this before I go through the trouble.

Love it or hate it, you just read it.